Sunday, May 27, 2007

my wisdom teeth are growing out but not straight
dr schuck says i should remove them but my mom says chinese people dont usually remove if it's not absolutely necessary. and it's not absolutely necessary for me says dr schuck. do u guys like his name? at first i didn't but it's growing on me.

but how can all chinese people approach wisdom teeth the same?

i really miss all my friends... i wish i could hug you all at once.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

me.

i haven't really had a chance to be self-absorbed and just write a nice long post about myself..
and so that's what i'm going to do..

everyone i talk to about it and that knows me pretty well is surprised that i've come back from london but am not over the guy i was supposed to get over. i don't feel like i have to justify this, but i will anyway. i don't think i can stop loving someone until i meet someone that i love more. or until that person gives me a reason to absolutely be done with them..

but do you know what keeps me going? is knowing that someday i'm going to be so comfortable with who i am and so in love with someone that is RIGHT for me.

i'm so over this post..i was going to say so much more. but i just can't...SD tomorrow for sungod! can't wait to see so many of you finally...


( dude my brother is so cute. i told him i can't fall asleep when he snores..oh btw we sleep in the same room when my mom's on business trips silly but anyway..so he feels so bad that he's like covering his nose and mouth with the blanket...it's really not helping but it's cute that he's trying..i love him.)

Friday, May 11, 2007

Africa.. in a nutshell.

A couple nights after I watched 'Blood Diamond,' I read an article in The Economist about Nigeria's recent 'shameful and rigged' election results. (Their new preseidnet is Umaru Yar'Adua and he's a huge jerk face, clearly not the voice of Nigeria's 800m citizens).. soon after stating this, the writer examined the rest of Africa, and discussed whether it has or has not been successful in taking steps towards 'greater prosperity, security, and democracy.' The writer believes that Africa on the whole has made improvements, but still writes: 'To be sure, there is a very long way to go. The African backdrop is still fairly bleak.' It is fairly bleak and he believes that Africa's colonial history can no longer be used as an excuse.

Essentially, political power is going to the wrong people. It is going to the corrupt, resulting in civil war, poverty, and even genocide. None of this is very new, but the writer places the blame on 'the reluctance of relatively decent leaders' to pull together and put the really shitty ones to shame, in other words: put them out of power.

How can the outside world help? The writer suggests that western countries should only give aid to countries with governments that are relatively clean and efficient. But then there is always the risk of these governments, with all this money coming in, to turn ruthless and self-serving and therefore counteracting the entire process. So, the writer concludes: Africa must help itself first.

And it is possible for Africa to help itself. Asia has done, have it..seen through example of South Korea and Malaysia, once as poor as Ghana and Kenya, have helped East Asian countries on the whole increase real income per head 34 times faster than that of Africa's 25% average from 1960 to 2005.

- - - -
I think the writer might have generalized a little too much. Africa is a huge continent and there is a lot to be said about each individual country. but I do know that I want to travel to Africa and see things. Blood Diamond really put things in perspective though, especially that scene in which Leonardo badgers the American journalist Jennifer Connelly telling her she can't know shit about what it means to live and die in Africa..and that a couple months , one story, a few photographs won't do anything to change a problem that is so deeply rooted historically and psychologically in Africa and its people. So, don't give yourself too much credit for being out here with 'your malaria pills' and big heart..you, like everyone that comes on a mission from the peace corps, will learn, that there is very little you can do...


Ah. This was a downer. but I decided that I would rather try and accomplish very little than not try at all. I don't think I could live with myself knowing I didn't go outside and do something that has an amazing affect on an entire country and population... and so, that's what I'm going to do...once I garner the courage to. (and financial stability.)

Thank you.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

the world

honestly, i can't stand the world.

today i watched Blood Diamond and cried at all the parts of father-son and at the end at the podium.

What this movie taught me:

1. Everyone even the nastiest of 'revolutionists' 'leaders' and 'fuckheads'
have fear in them..as slight, as momentary, as pitiful as it may be,
it is there. I think I watched every character in this movie go through some second of fear..because...

2. Life is scary.

3. Africa is a battlefield.

4. So are most continents in this world.

5. What can we do?

6. I guess you have to be okay with doing very little. not because you don't want to do a lot but because you simply do not have the resources, energy and time.

you just have to accept it...and move on. Live for yourself a little because you can.

I like that i'm not deathly wealthy (what an interesting two words together) but I also like that I am no where near poor. I am truly blessed to be able to have an opinion..to be able to say shit about rich (white) people and all their bullshit but then to also be a victim of ignorance myself.. and maybe rich people know a little more about the world than i do? Who is to say. There are good people and there are bad people..Generalizations are risky. Okay back to what I was saying...I like that I am patient enough to learn, to travel and to yearn (this is not a poem) but also, sometimes I whine about shit like 'growing up' and boys who can't commit and psycho ex-girlfriends (ha ha ha)..so really, I am in the middle. I am not comfortable enough with life to bathe in the sun all day wine and dine and then raise my children to be the same, but I am not on the verge of death...essentially the people in the middle which is a huge chunk of us have the power to drive. because we have motivation and passion....fine, exceptions, always. Sometimes I think...Why don't I just live my life for myself and those in my sphere of love?

No, I have no idea. I'm so over this..can you tell? I allowed myself to completely cut off my train of thought..that's how over this I am.

Hope is beautiful, right? To the hopeful... but to the rest? to those who see it and know that it is futile? it kills.