People Wonder (more)

Lu responded to my earlier post with a story about his grandfather. I will post that after I am granted permission. Here's my response:

Hey Lu,

Thank you for responding.

i was really moved by your story. and i agree about naivete, hope and desire for change as the more likely culprits (rather than simple hostility..)

i have nothing but respect for those that sacrifice their bodies and minds to fight for purpose. i am a huge fan of war novels, although i really haven't read enough to be considered an expert. of the ones i've read, i've come to learn that every soldier has a story, and they are never the same...i don't know what i'm saying anymore.. i guess,

the point of my mini-essay was to remind people that war is not easy to end...and that while it is almost unbearable to imagine the results of missiles and rifles being fired...you have to break it down..you have to understand that this is happening for a reason that goes beyond simple hatred. to these people it is life. i used to be pretty FOR peace, cmon guys over there get your acts together...before i talked to more and more people about the scenario in the middle east..people that were from those areas or had extensive knowledge of its history...and as i learned more and more, it just hit me how complex the situation is. how, no matter how hard i or anyone else but them tries, we will never understand what fighting and protecting means to them. our foundations of thought, our value systems are completely different..

i just think we need to re-evaluate how we approach the subject of war...be more open to hear both sides of the story, respect the sacredness, the history, the beyond simple right or wrong, before we criticize.


i guess my argument since my last little outburst, has changed..unintentionally.

hmm most of all, i have no idea. i go through phases in which i am at once, very optimistic about my potential contribution to the world..sure there's a chance for peace or at lleast a step towards, am confident love conquers all, but at another moment, completely unconvinced. am only convinced the status quo will remain just that...that this world will ONLY work with inequalities and unfairness...that the bad and ugly will always find ways around the rules/ the good, and will continue to have an influence..that there is no means to absolute peace..that this world was meant for chaos...

i go through phases. i don't know which mindset is better for living..i just don't know what i'm meant to think...
ahh, but thanks for your story. i appreciate it.

-justine

Actually, I think there is a middle ground. I can believe in both war and peace, love and hate, in status quo and immeasurable change...There are so many layers to every story...complexities that make it impossible to ever know for sure about anything...I want to change the world. I will fight for what I believe in. If the change is so slight as to be close to nothing. If I never make the text books. If a library is not named after me. That is okay...because given the circumstances, I did what I could. I did what I believed in...my story will be told through someone else's story and I will be just fine with that. That person's story can represent all stories like his like mine, like yours. We need not be individually recognized..that is just too much. I mean, we're individuals on earth, we're nada, but i think what is amazing is that we take being nothing and turn it in to really meaning something. we refuse to be meaningless although we very well might be...these words? mean nothing. do i care? no. how have i just typed this much? i think i'm going crazy.

i need to floss.

People Wonder

People wonder why war exists...

I think finding the answer requires us to look at it from a more microscopic, individual level. i mean, at the personal, family, one on one level..domestic violence, divorce, jealousy of an ex-, greed, hotheaded men and women, road rage, arrogance, your everyday asshole.. i mean, the problem lies in human nature, in personality...in our inability to handle situations that are unfavorable to us..as an entire race, we are flawed. i do think some individuals are worse than others, but i a part of me also thinks that our bullshit and the pain we put ourselves and each other through at any level is comparable to the decisions that are made at the government (or extremist group) level..it is all relative, to the power, opportunities given, and environment...

I know this is all very vague, but i think about it sometimes and I don't think anyone can just say To hell with war, End it, Peace NOW...there is so much inherently wrong with us as humans that expecting that this not show at the macro-level is inane.

Essentially, war should come as no surprise.

I know there are a dozen counterpoints, but i just wanted to get my opinion out there while it was still fresh.

I'm interested in hearing what you have to say..leave comments..thanks.

So, I started thinking.

Nice guys may finish last but at least they finish with dignity. i'm so over jerks, guys who don't know what they want, and guys who don't and probably never will know how to love somebody, truly and simply. the jerks may have more fun breaking hearts and avoiding heartbreak for themselves, but they're still jerks. when they finally find someone they like it's not going to be as good as it could be. whatever i have to remember the battles thing..i have to let go of b.resentment.


so i'm listening to westlife...europe's nsync/bsb equivalent...and it's corny as shit, but it also got me thinking, and with recent events, i am prone to think anyway..so, i started thinking.


i can be over this. my sense of happiness should not be so dependent on someone..on any one person, and especially not him.


most of all, i miss taiwan. when i was in taiwan, i didn't have to think about this kind of stuff...sure i would anyway, but it wasn't as pressing or substantial. something about being in a foreign land really works for me. sometimes i'm just so tired of america and its people. i'm just so lucky i have a place that isn't america that i feel comfortable in. this was supposed to be a post praising the nice guy, venting, giving myself hope for the future, but it turned into my appreciation n love for a country..so be it. taiwan means more than a vacation to me though..it's so much in me that i haven't found words for yet. so much of my family is there..so much of what feels naturally a part of me, is there. the food, the sights, the atmosphere, the transportation, the language, the good bad and ugly, i'll take it all...even the g.d mosquitoes. i love the country and i plan on living there someday. i have even just considered studying abroad there rather than in italia. we'll have to see. but...

i can be happy :) even when i was lost in my thoughts of uGH a little ago (what moved me to write this post), i couldn't help but be reminded of a time that steve made me laugh..and so i started laughing to myself..and then that ended with a smile and a knowing feeling...i am instinctively a happy person and nothing about this situation needs to be bad. SO..one door closes, another one opens. cheesy again, but i'll take it.