Hard Knock Life

i suck at verbal communication. in class, when i volunteer to speak, i just don’t sound very well-read or confident. at least that is how it seems to me when i naturally compare myself to others in my literature and rhetoric courses. jeez, but i like being casual. i don’t like to have to use words that don’t come to me naturally. is that laziness? i tend to negatively judge those who overuse ‘like’ and ‘you know’ and ‘i guess’ and struggle to make an interesting or even sound argument, but am i not sometimes, if not most of the time, one of those people? which makes it so hard. i don’t think i am incapable of grasping complex subject matters, and i don’t want others, who i am certain do as much internal judging as i do, to think that i am incapable either. the problem is, if i’m not going to communicate that i understand these subjects in a coherent and appealing manner, then who is going to believe me? i constantly feel like i need to prove that i am worthy of sitting in a class with graduate students in the literary and cultural studies program. that i am worthy of being a student here at carnegie mellon university.

today in class i kept volunteering to speak ( i guess, to make up for all the reading i have NOT been doing for these classes) and then afterwards wondering what the hell i had just said, did i even back up my arguments, did i even have one? was it the right time to say what i did? do i just sound like a superficial reader, giving no attention to what the author is really trying to say, motifs and themes that roll into, character development and perspective, magic realism or is it subjective and what is the meaning of the fragmentation of the text and is saleem a reliable narrator and who should be allowed to this and what is truth?

everyone seems to have a solid, backed by the text, answer. and everyone is able to say it eloquently, no ums no uneasiness, just saying it like they’ve just done hours of research on it and they have no doubt that this is what they have come to believe and you, audience, should believe it too. and these aren’t observations. these are observations, analysis and conclusions. they are always one step ahead of me. when i hear their idea, this “one step” ahead, i agree with it and believe that i too had thought of something similar but had never had the courage or the patience to piece together a conclusive thought. i’m not a graduate student. i want to write stories about people in this world, today’s world, living and breathing, non-fictional people. i don’t want to analyze literature written by authors who are not alive to tell you if you were right or wrong or that they just don’t care. yet, i do.

i think i’m just going to have to accept that i am just not one of those students that always has something fascinating, smart or at least cool to say.
this is a small matter.

i think that websites with counters 167 children have died of hunger. i think that’s low, and quite unnecessary. i don’t need to see the numbers increasing, one per second. i want to hear some stories. i want to see some policy outlines. i want to see some rhetoric tools that aren’t so flashy. keep me posted. i have to read 254 pages of dense booker prize literature so help me god.

Enjoy Your Burdens

a lot has been going on and not going on in my life.

the highlight has undoubtedly been zach’s visit to pittsburgh :) it was perhaps my favorite weekend of the semester thus far. i saw a lot of pittsburgh that i have not seen before (special attention given to mt. washington and fallingwater) and of course i just had a great time being in the company of someone who makes me happy by just being there. i look forward to mid-semester break - only 2 weeks away! - in san diego, where we will be reunited.

i have confirmed that i want to work in the bay area, silicon valley or sf, after graduating and hopefully for many years after it. i have begun applying to pr and magazine internships. a part of me regrets not getting an internship this past summer in the bay area, one that would potentially secure a job upon graduation, but i am okay with how things turned out. i really enjoy my internship right now with cmu and am ever grateful for my internship experience in london.

keeping up with classes while balancing my internship (10-12 hrs/wk) and a long-distance relationship has been trying and this week will be particularly so. with an exam or paper in all of my academic classes, i will have no time to waste (although, look at me now…here…great). of course, i always manage, but i really, really dislike how easy it is for me to fall into patterns of procrastination. and my immune system is showing weakness and why does this always happen? why can i not manage my time better and live with ease? ah.

some very good advice i have received has come directly from my mom a week ago, and my dad today. i have posted these on facebook and on my AIM profile, but i thought i’d give them a permanent home on this blog.

“Young people don’t deserve to be depressed. You haven’t even started your life yet. For now, enjoy your burdens.” - my mother, 9/24



“Do your best and be happy is the best way to deal with life.
We will always support you.” - my father, 10/1


Thank you both.

perhaps that is all i need to know to get through this week…and life. but we all know too well, that one or even two pieces of advice never really worked to satisfy us through more than a few days.

i hear rain outside. i’m sorry my posts are more about me and less broad and perhaps entertaining or intriguing as they could be. i actually intended for this blog to be less of a diary and more of an area for discussion on current events and space for social observations, and fun, witty remarks. i promise to get those to you soon, my faithful few.