Letting go

Thank God for great friends.

"You just have to be strong."

I do have to be strong. For myself, for you, for my friends, for who I want to be, for who I will eventually end up marrying, for the idea of being strong, but mostly for myself.

That's it. I deserve better. So much better. No one has the right to make me feel like I deserve to be mistreated. Like I am just some person who is there. There to be cute, there to be there to listen to physically be intimate with, to laugh at your jokes and make you feel special when you need to feel it. But as soon as I have an opinion about our situation, as soon as I am driven to ask questions, to suspect, to rightfully call you out on the shit you put me through, that she puts me through, to stand up for my self and say exactly what I feel, then I am just a burden, a distraction, a ridiculous girl who is just as bad as her. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't expect me to be that girl, the casual lover, the fun, cute always there to cheer you up fucking fake emotionless shameless weak ideal and have no voice, no opinion, no fucking thought for myself. Well? I tried that. It made me feel like nothing, weak, shitty and to say it like it is, used. You didn't want anything serious? Then it is not your job or in your place to ask me who I'm with. TO make me feel bad about hanging out with other guys. It's not your job to make me feel like shit for ending calls with an easy 'see ya.' If we're not together, I don't need to be cute all the time. I don't even need to answer your calls. Don't make me feel responsible for keeping you happy. If you're so willing to walk out of a conversation that means something to me, because you're too pussy to see where it might end up, then no, you're not worth being cute for. You're not worth staying up for, not studying for, sacrificing time for, passing up opportunities to hang out with friends for, you are not worth any of it.

Look, I had fun when we were having fun, but that's it. I'm done. My heart's done. My mind and energy are done. I don't want to play games anymore. I don't care about who ends up with the upper hand (although, if it were to be recorded, I would much rather it be me)...who cares? If I'm going to let go of this thing...of this bizarre fucked up situation...of you...of my idea of you and what your value is in my life...then I have to let go of the feeling that I have to win. I have to let go completely and that means forgetting. That means forgetting that I even had feelings for you. That means a lot of things that I don't know how to put into words right now.

I'm done. This is my plan. I don't think there is anything else to say...
except that all those cliches, all those quotes, poems, fortune cookie one liners, and song lyrics about how great and special it is to have friends that are there...that understand...that even if they don't understand, try...are true. What would I do without you guys? I would have no direction, no advice to follow, no words to live by, no reason to smile, no reason to laugh,...no reason to live! ( How flattering was that?!? ) I love you guys. Thank you. :)

- j