Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

don't know why or for what.

My grandfather didn't marry the woman he fell in love with, because they weren't in the same social class and as a result, were not 'meant to be'. Instead he married who was available to him and who he admired, my grandma. He still keeps a picture of the woman he was in love with, in his wallet. My grandma understands this and has had to live with that piece of information all through their marriage. They have been married for 50 some years, and after my mom told me this story, I didn't know what to think.

How can you marry someone out of convenience and not out of deep, impassioned love? How could you live the rest of your life, live to raise six children, knowing you let the one you adored get away? Do you accept it, hope for a next life with your love, or break down slowly and let it eat you alive?

I don't know what I would do. Probably breakdown. I really hope I marry the man I'm meant to live with for the rest of my life. I am certain the sparks will die, but the respect earned over the years and the need to care for one another won't, right? I am also certain the sexual energy will wane, so all that will be left are words. I hope my husband makes me laugh and that he holds out his hand for me during cane-guided walks on soft grass in our retired community.

Okay, back to now. I feel like there's a part of me that's missing and I don't know what it is or if maybe I'm just heavily disillusioned. I feel like I have some secret desire like Edna, that selfish water-embracing fool, in The Awakening. This comparison, already, is a bad sign. Logically, it can only end in suicide or an endless struggle.

I feel like, on the surface, I am missing nothing. There is nothing that I lack that I require to survive. But still - there's that itch. I want to be with someone tonight, and I'm afraid that the answer to Who? is not so concrete.

I'm not a fluttery town whore, I'm just a hopeless romantic with no reason to be hopeless, but still, I am.

If I had to break it down, I'd hold a few things responsible for this itch... Giants losing, Vivek being so far, Star Wars Episode I, And's departure, guilt derived from not meeting obligations or goals, and the curious potential that I may be, in fact, wasting my life away.

- Justine Lee

P.S. I'm sorry no one who reads this will understand. I guess I'm trying to be as vague and as honest as possible, but it's hard to be both. Being too honest would hurt too much to read.